Life Leveling

In my previous post we talked about greed and spoke about how in a lot of ways it overlaps with pride. I’m starting to realize that all of these sins overlap a lot. Having a sense that you deserve your desires (pride), desiring more (greed), and now we have the desire for a better partner (lust). Obviously this is only one example of lust and it can come in many forms through plenty scenarios.

But with this blog, I have been using my experiences in the forefront and I don’t plan to change that. This means uncomfortable conversions. Do I really want to admit my flaws to random people? Who knows how this could affect me moving forward. The reason I can do this, even with those doubts, is because I full-heartedly believe, that this is the first step to defeating lust, as well as the other deadly sins.

Acknowledging that we are flawed, even if it is uncomfortable. The more open we are with it, the more likely we are to commit to the change, the more likely we are to truly believe what we say. I want to be better and if you are reading this, I assume you do too. So let’s talk about my experiences with lust and how I think you can defeat it.

My Struggle

Before I delve into my struggle, I really want to just preface how difficult this is for me to put out on the internet. Sure there is a fair chance no one I know sees this and this post may never affect me. But there is always a chance. Despite my growth and belief that I will conquer this and also believing that my past self doesn’t describe my future self. It doesn’t make this any easier. So I hope you can appreciate this candid post.

Where else to start than the beginning? I was 11 years old I believe, when I first discovered sexual content. Now this wasn’t straight porn, rather I think it was some sort of recording at a strip show of some kind. I don’t believe I was seeking this content out, rather it found me through the YouTube suggested videos.

Why would this be suggested to an 11 year old who only watched Minecraft videos? I don’t know, but whether or not I sought it out or not is neither the point. There it was, in front of me and little did I know the domino affect this would have over the next decade. The way that I discovered masturbation itself is actually quite funny. I had become an avid VanossGaming enjoyer.

Given that one of the main games they played was GTA V, I was introduced to quite a lot of mature concepts. One of those concepts was masturbation, which I had to put two and two together to figure out. In one of his videos, a joke was made about soap and a pickle (or cucumber?). Either way, not only was that joke made, but they emote of a person masturbating was used.

I at the time, was not aware of what this emote meant, but like I said, I caught on. Now with the concept of masturbation and the discovery of there being less than innocent images on the internet, I had the equation for destruction.

Like many others, I had thought that I discovered the greatest thing ever. I can’t tell you what my usage was like back then, but once I got to high-school, things started getting dicey. There were times where I would go a couple months of daily usage, sometimes multiple times a day. I always knew that I was doing something bad, but I wasn’t harming anyone, so I continued.

The shame began to set in and I started to wonder whether or not this was something I wanted in my life. I was barely Christian at the time, I had other things occupying me, so this wasn’t a concern of defying god. I eventually decided I wanted to quit, I didn’t like the shame and I was becoming aware of some possible down sides. I would try again and again to quit, telling myself that each time was the last. Sometimes I went weeks, others I would go a day before giving in to the urges.

There is definitely something to be said about the horniness of a teenage boy, this scientific truth makes things all the more difficult. One day, I don’t know which, I was hit with a profound realizations, I was addicted. Now perhaps I didn’t qualify medically as someone who was addicted, as it didn’t prevent my from living a fairly normal life. But to me, not being able to stop something that you want to stop, is an addiction.

Realizing that I was addicted was a definite eye-opener, unfortunately that alone wasn’t enough to make me quit. This was in essence me taking the first step and that is realizing that I had a problem. I had always thought that getting a girlfriend and eventual wife, would fix this craving. In 2022, 6 months after I had graduated, I would begin my first and current relationship with my girlfriend.

This relationship would be an alternative outlet that I wouldn’t have to feel bad about. It was great at first and I found myself using it plenty. Unfortunately, this relationship didn’t mean the end of my battle with porn and masturbation. Lust was in me and it was powerful, it didn’t help that I felt as though I couldn’t avoid it, social media was constantly shoving it in my face. To an extent I was at fault, the algorithms only pushed what I would watch. My fight would continue on, I would try clicking not interested on sexual content, but it always eventually found its way to me and when it didn’t, I would find it. Something has to give, I would think, so what is it?

We come to the present where only the past night I had come to a realization I never had, it’s convenient I know. I wasn’t even seeking the answer, I had tried before but never found anything concrete enough to change. In my restlessness, I had decided to watch some anime edits. I know this sounds really pathetic, but I really like anime and these edits with good music would often make me feel feelings I often don’t, like sometimes intensely. This time I watched an edit that was basically showcasing romances throughout many series.

Usually this content would only further my lust, not for the characters, but in the way of wondering if I could ever find a situation that made me happier. It’s not like I am unhappy in my relationship, in fact, it’s quite the opposite. I love my girlfriend, but I couldn’t escape the wonder, the fantasy, the thought that there could be something better out there for me.

She’s not perfect, neither am I, but this edit, as corny as it may sound, made me realize something so powerful that I felt emotional to my core. Love, love is what matter, flaws or not. That’s when I realized just how much I love my girlfriend, despite all the bad we’ve been through. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else and I care so much for her. This feeling, it’s some of the strongest love I’ve ever felt.

This feeling along with having just written posts about greed and pride, made me realize how greedy and prideful I was being. I thought I deserved that possible happiness, even if it was 1% better.

Now I come to realize that I don’t even deserve what I have now, in a loving, beautiful girlfriend. To desire more is greed in it’s purest form and it’s beyond time that I realized this and became grateful. This love I have is more worth it and powerful than the greed, pride and lust I have. It beats it tenfold, and by focusing on it, I destroy lust.

This is still fresh so I don’t know how things will be moving forward, but I feel a faith I haven’t felt outside of post-nut clarity (I wish this was a joke), that this is different. This is truly powerful and that I may just have a chance this time, to finally escape lust. Honesty has always been one of my central values, so I promise to update you if anything happens, good or bad. Hopefully this accountability can help me as well, so I don’t disappoint you.

If you want to hear more about experiences with lust as well as other shallow wants, then I highly recommend “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson. You can Click Here to check the book out on Amazon (this is an affiliate link, using this link helps me)

The Keys to Destroying Lust

If you read my story then you have the keys already, but let me lay them out to make it clear.

1. Identify: The first step is always identifying that you have a problem. Accept it, take the shame, and admit it. If you truly do these, you will be fine. It’s the truly part that is difficult.
2. Setup for Success: If you’ve read my blog before, you will know that I did a book review on “Atomic Habits”. In this book they teach a concept of setting yourself up for success. Keeping triggers that cause good behaviour around will do as said, for example, keeping books around you will encourage reading more than if there were none. Keeping triggers that cause bad behaviour around will do as said, for example, keeping apps that push sexual content in your face will encourage lust more than if there were none. It’s a tough task, most of us don’t want to delete social media, but if this is what it takes to delete lust, is it worth it? I’ll leave that for you to decide.
3. Accountability Partner: This isn’t one that I have personally tested, but it’s one where I can see the benefit. Tell a friend or family member about your struggles, also tell them what your plan is. In the event that you fail, you have to tell them. The hope is that the shame and support of this person, can help you overcome your addiction.
4. Focus: This is the step that I only recently was able to truly do, to focus on what really matters. I believe the battle against lust is one fought in the soul. If you don’t have things to push you away from lust, it will be mightily more difficult. For me this is my girlfriend, my love, but also my God and my hope to respect his creation. So does this mean the only way to beat lust is by having a girlfriend or God or both? No, but you will have to find something to fight for, I couldn’t fight for myself, I tried and it didn’t work, but perhaps it will for you. It could be the want to make people proud even if they might not know, or avoid the possibility of disappointment. For me, as a Christian, I am glad to have god, or I wouldn’t have much reason to fight these demons without his inherent moral guiding.

At the end of the day it’s up to you. You decide what you do and don’t, you decide if this matters or not. I hope this helps someone fighting with lust and I encourage you all to share your stories and thoughts in the comments. I wish you all the best 🙂